Mayoral Candidate Pledges to End Wall Street

POSITION PAPER #2, REV BILLY

Mayoral Candidate Pledges to End Wall Street

His “Church of Life After Shopping” finds that the trading of stocks and securities is a form of masturbation

CHILDREN! How do we make big social decisions in American culture? What’s the process? Lately our decisions - handed down by the most upstanding traditional suit-wearing leaders – are a source of painful daily comedy. It must be asked: Do these people remember anything from our national or economic or cultural past? Or is looking back somehow a source of shame? A famous dictum from the indigenous world says that society’s great decisions need the wisdom of seven generations.

Seven what? Whu, how long is THAT? We Americans do sometimes have the wisdom of ONE generation - we know our parents, or at least we know them when we see them. Do we know what they did? Do you have to google your own parents? No, we make society-wide decisions that consult no past at all. We tend to masturbate with heart-attack energy drinks while shouting into cell-phones. For decades, our plummeting attention span was tied to the rise of American economic domination. We couldn’t hold a thought, but that was funny in a tragic sort of way – and probably necessary. Our experienced advisors were chattering face-ticky pixilated TV heads. In fact, the over-heated psyche of the American individual is the gaseous basis for an economy that is made of nothing but bubbles: the dot-com bubble, the mortgage bubble, the Brittney bimbo bubble, the retail bubble.

With investors in full flight from Wall Street, where on the floor are the thousands of devoted screaming masturbators making deals in blind isolation, with their ”analysts” standing in as wise fathers with words they invented on Fox Business News… Look. Why mince words now? What New York needs is leadership. The firm hand. We now have the chance to close Wall Street. If elected your Mayor, I will close Wall Street on my first day. Yes, it IS torture. What a wonderful opportunity. The self-dealing financial class finally needs to get a job, I say. I pledge to you: Our economy needs to be a sustainable one, and not controlled by a gambling casino. Here’s my proposal:

Hire thousands of unemployed method actors. We have them in New York. Give them this script: They will mimic Abbie Hoffman’s throwing of dollar bills from the stock exchange balcony. As the traders fulminate and froth below, stuffing bucks in their pockets and underwear, we quietly seal the building. Prison busses will back up to the exits. Yes – I propose that all Wall Street traders must board those busses, accept box lunches, be polite, and accept a ride to Vermont. All stock exchange employees must stay in the Vermont rehab for at least seven generations.

They can choose where in the green state they want to live. They can live in Fuldtown, or Thaine Junction, or Ken Layville, or Madoff Valley… The gesture of male masturbation can be converted in this lovely green rehab to the milking of cows. Amen?